Day 30: Crazy!

An ongoing personal exploration of Divine Guidance and distinguishing between the voice of fear and the voice of love reflecting on the article, How to Distinguish Between Divine Guidance and Fear/Ego/Imagination, on Sir Froggie’s PositiveNews Network .

Today’s pairing is:

Divine Guidance makes you feel calm and confident in who you are.
Ego makes you wonder, “Am I crazy?”

When do I feel crazy? Often after I’ve given an interview or conducted a workshop or given a performance. I think it has something to do with the copious amounts of adrenaline coursing through my body afterwards. It’s almost a delayed stage-fright. Beforehand, I may get a little nervous, but once I’m in the midst of something, something else seems to take over. Once it’s over, however, I am left with the surging chemicals and the onslaught of critical thoughts…”I wish I’d said this. I shouldn’t have said that that way. I hit such a god-awful note! If only I’d remembered to share this or that.” I suppose a certain amount of self-evaluation can be beneficial and improve performance. But there is often too much self-recrimination in the mix.

I have also felt utterly crazy in my life at such times as I made seemingly absurd decisions like moving across country to a city where I knew no one and had no job prospects, or when I decided to quit a job even though I had no other source of income, or spent thousands of dollars on a power journey to Mexico when I was barely making ends meet, or most recently, when I decided to sell my house and everything in it, close up shop, and move to France…for love, no less! Did I mention how little French I actually speak?

Yes, I’m one crazy fruitcake! What possesses me?

Honestly, I don’t know. And I’m glad I don’t. I’m glad that I’m not so terrified by life and so attached to my security that I can’t  take what appear to be unreasonable, crazy chances. When I follow through on those things I don’t understand, I never regret it. Of course, all the time leading up to the moment of action is spent in ridiculous energy-draining mental deliberations, but once I just commit, or at least once I go through with whatever it is, I’m okay. I’ve never once ended up the bag-lady in the streets (even when I was temporarily homeless…or home-free as I preferred to call it), never once didn’t have food, shelter, and the basic necessities of life, never once had my survival truly threatened, and never once died…obviously! But believe me, that is exactly what my ego warned me would happen again and again.

I’ll tell you what crazy is. Crazy is having a life and not living it. Crazy is turning your back on what you want because you are afraid of what will happen if you get it. Crazy is letting fear drive all your decisions.

And that is the heart of this pairing. Ego tries to tell us our ideas, desires, hopes and dreams are nothing but crazy fantasies. It also has a way of filling us with crazy ideas, desires, hopes and dreams too, though, in an attempt to cover all its bases. So what are we to do? Go back to that feeling of inner calm. Go back to that inner confidence that arises without effort. Hold the visions that we hold in our hearts, not in our heads. Then take the tiny action that presents itself.

Oh, and most importantly, embrace your crazy!