I recently joined a Facebook group about meditation. It is hosted by someone who repeatedly demonstrates a massive ego. He insults other people’s posts, belittling them. Not anything I have posted, thankfully, but that makes little difference. It makes the group a judgmental, unsafe place to express, share and grow. Besides, if he really knew something, if he were truly attempting to do someone else a favor with piercing truth instead of asserting his own delusions as an ultimate reality, wouldn’t he do it in a way that could be received instead of resisted?
But it has been very difficult for me not to leave the group because of this obvious power-tripping administrator. I haven’t left, though, because I’m learning some things about meditation people that is critical to knowing how I do and don’t want to approach meditation. It has also been difficult not to reply to his snide comments to others with my own snide comments, but I haven’t commented because I know battles with egos are never won. Besides, why stoop?
So what am I learning about who I am and “ain’t”? Well, for one, I no longer wish to identify with the term “meditation teacher”. I am not a meditation teacher nor wish to be one. I am purely, simply a meditation facilitator. A teacher is supposed to have all the answers, or at the very least, know where to find them.
No one has all the answers about meditation because meditation will always be a unique experience for the meditator. Yes, there are guidelines, techniques, etc. Those can be taught. But those aren’t the meditation. Herein lies a deep confusion among people who may have the nerve to call themselves “gurus”. That isn’t to say that there aren’t genuine gurus…or lightbearers and way-showers. They just aren’t as common as, for example, a Facebook group would have you believe or as an Amazon list of meditation books by random experts would suggest.
It is a tricky and slippery slope. How does one, such as myself, who loves and has received so much from the practice and feels compelled to share it with eager learners along with all the benefits of her personal experience keep her egoic self out of it as much as possible? I am the first to caution anyone regarding my own insights and experiences when it comes to meditating. I attribute the fact to three principles, the most important things I ever I learned from one of my own teachers, rightfully called:
I know how to apply these principles, and I know when I or someone else is or isn’t able. It is a safety net from an ego blown out of control. Without this net, any one of us is in danger of taking ourselves or others far too seriously.
Of course, unchecked, the three principles can eventually go too far the other direction, making me doubt my own experience. I made the somewhat big but enlightening mistake of asking a question of this Facebook group recently. It seems I sometimes assume others know at least as much as I do and probably more. I was seeking some practical advice to a common meditation trap faced by a couple of people I work with. I have been unsure of how to lead them into new territory. What I got was not the applicable expertise I was expecting, but a bunch of egoic posturing, projections, mysterious koans meant to reveal the author’s depth, and obviously-lacking-in-experience responses. I guess none of us know what we don’t know. Even fewer of us know enough to know we don’t. I have not commented much on the thread. I’m still waiting, still hopeful someone out there will actually be able to respond with something that hasn’t got some egoic slime attached to it. In fact, one reply was looking pretty good there, for about the first five or six sentences. The remaining 10, not so much.
So here’s the thing…the really frightening thing about meditation “teachers”. Many “teachers” are egos, not light-bearers. Only they don’t know that they are egos. That’s the most dangerous kind of ego. Rather, they think they are enlightened beings who know all, see all, and convey all…with authority. Turn to one, and you are likely to be conditioned into their belief system, one that strays far from your own true nature.
There is meditation…that which the mind knows, contorts, attempts to conform to and adulterates. And then there is meditation…the real deal. And for that, most of us just need to learn to (please excuse my French) shut the fuck up and trust the process.
As for me, yes, there is an ego here. I’m not trying to eradicate it, just tame it. And I haven’t done that to any level of real or imagined perfection yet. If that day should ever come, I will let you know, if that’s possible. But what I have done on my 17+ year walk on the path is gain some personal experience when it comes to how to tame that monster. I don’t know all of its tricks, but I can say with a great deal of confidence that I know more than most. This confidence is born from at least two things, 1) having more interest in this path that most people and 2) having the fortune of working with some of the best teachers.
As a meditation facilitator, I can happily say I don’t know everything, nor do I want to. Meditation isn’t about knowing stuff. It’s about unknowing. It’s about unraveling the ravenous mind to discover what lies deeper. I give to others the opportunities to practice turning their attention inward. Sometimes I share a few things…definitions, techniques, anecdotes, quotes. Sometimes I guide. I do not rigidly adhere to one particular school of thought, guru or text. Though I focus primarily on going beyond basic contemplative practice, sometimes contemplative practice has its place, so I don’t discount it. I use what is available to me to help those who come my way. I make mistakes. I’m still learning and growing myself. The day that is no longer true is the day I will be the worst meditation facilitator on the planet and just another teacher.
One of my meditation clients asked me recently if I would write about the concept of space and its importance in meditation. I’m grateful for what is sure to be a challenge, so here goes.
Let’s start with a definition. Space is one of the five elements along with earth, air, fire, and water. Also referred to as ether, space is both a container for all that is and a vast expanse and emptiness. The experience of space, at least for me, is a key component that arises out of meditation practice.
Form does not differ from Emptiness
And Emptiness does not differ from Form.
Form is Emptiness and Emptiness is Form.*
As an element, or something of which we ourselves are comprised, if we have an imbalance of ether, either too much or too little, we will experience that symptomatically. Too much and we may feel literally “spacey” or have difficulty concentrating. Too little and we may be quite preoccupied with insignificant details or feel lack of divine connection. A balance of the element results in harmony and inspiration.
So, I don’t want to give the impression in writing about space in meditation that there is anything one should or must do in order to experience or foster space. Space is always there. We simply need to be aware of it. But if you’ll forgive me, I will bring the reader’s attention to three aspects of space for contemplation.
While we meditate, our breath itself can be the entry point to our awareness of space as we feel the space of the lungs filling and emptying. We can bring our attention to all the empty spaces in the body…between the bones, the organs, between the cells, and even between the atoms of the cells. When we feel pain, we can work to bring our breath and a sense of spaciousness into the pain and notice any shifting that results. As we sit still, we can turn our attention toward the body in space and feel how our awareness expands beyond the body.
We can also bring our attention to the space within the mind. This is accessible through the senses, such as noticing the bed of silence upon which sounds in the environment are occurring, for example, or by noticing that one perceives a smell in the room and how that odor might originate in one location and spread upon air molecules through the open space to our nostrils. We can also utilize an awareness of passing thought. When we place our attention on the silence and the gap between, it is as if we are expanding space. It seems to grow. But as I’ve said, it was always there. With this cultivated spaciousness in the mind, we can question our thoughts and inquire into our true nature.
The final point, if there was a final point, could be said to be the expansion of spirit. It is the recognition that we are, in fact, both within and without that very spaciousness that we are noticing. We are both form and formlessness.
Finally, I will share a message that came to me in a dream the night that mother died. She was quite ethereal but unmistakable herself, yet she didn’t speak. We stood at a window, the sill at about waist height. She pointed with great insistence to a spot on the window sill, as if it held great importance. I followed her finger, gazing at the tiny details of dust particles that had collected. And then, we began to rise off the ground, her finger still pointing, but as we rose, more and more came into my awareness. From a focal point of a spec of dust, to the color of the paint, to the panes of glass, to the frame itself, and outward. Up and up we went, my awareness expanding to include more and more, out from the window now, to the wall, to the house, to the city, to the country, to the earth, to the sky, to the universe…and every detail was contained within the space, but the space was eternally expanding and more and more inclusive and aware of not only everything inside of itself, but of itself as well.
Rather than impose any further interpretation of this dream on you, I will refrain and let you sit with it yourself.
Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Svaha*
(Gone, gone, gone to the Other Shore, attained the Other Shore having never left)
Despite that fact that there is now almost daily new evidence that supports the importance of and benefits received from meditation practice, there is still a lot of resistance to actually doing it. I’d like to take a look at that today. Why is it that so many people, often the people who need it the most, believe they can’t meditate or think it cannot help them?
I’m not saying it is the answer to everything nor am I claiming that one size fits all. (The latter idea is as far from my philosophy as it could be!) However, I do believe with every inch of my being that there is a form of meditation available for everyone be it through physical yoga, chanting, mindfulness, music, breathing, mudra, cooking, painting… One just has to discover what works best and then approach the activity with the proper intent.
So, what exactly are the reasons that come up for why people don’t want to meditate?
I can’t sit still that long!
I’ve heard a lot of people lay claim to this. The idea of “doing nothing”, even for 10 minutes, is too much to bear. The moment a person sits still, all the feelings, thoughts, and problems that she’s been pushing away with constant activity come flowing in like a tidal wave. It isn’t a comfortable feeling.
Early one, when I was forced to silently meditate sitting with my teachers years ago, I would be in absolute hell waiting for them to just get on with the teachings. I would hear myself begging for it to come to an end. Somewhere along the way, that agony left me. Gone. No trace. Poof!
Restlessness is a completely expected stage of meditation, often much worse in the beginning, but it also comes and goes throughout a lifetime of practice. (I can still feel restless from time to time.) If you aren’t willing to work through it, you are giving it power over you. If this is your sole reason for avoiding meditation, I urge you to simply sit with the resistance. The payoff is so worth it!
There are those who experience meditation as boring. Being still, following the breath, focusing on the body is not enough to entertain the raging monkey that is the mind. These types tend to need constant stimulation and input. They need the radio or TV on, even if they aren’t listening or watching. What do they think all that stimulation is doing? It is distracting them. It is stealing their energy and making it harder for them to know themselves. It is filling them up with worthless noise and making it impossible for them to hear their own answers. It has trained them away from the subtle of life to such an extent that they actually believe the universe could ever be boring!
I actually feel worse when I meditate. My mind is so loud!
Similar to reason number one, this resistance presents itself when people have a misunderstanding of what meditation actually is. They think they are supposed to have no thoughts at all, a blank and quiet mind. But that just isn’t realistic. The stream of thought is incessant. But it doesn’t really matter. It’s a misconception to think one isn’t meditating if one is thinking. Let the thoughts come. Watch them as they do. Then watch them as they morph and go. They are fleeting even if they are torrential! Don’t give them your attention and run around trying to extinguish them. Let them be. You keep quiet!
I’m too busy/I don’t have time.
This is such an empty argument. All it means is that the person doesn’t really want to do it. Sure, meditating for 20-40 minutes is ideal, but even 5 minutes before bed is better than nothing, and I’m sorry but everybody has 5 minutes before bed. Heck, even 3 minutes of focusing on the breath and body is sure to impact your sleep and dreams in a positive way.
I meditate on my own.
There’s nothing wrong with this. I meditate on my own all the time. But when I have groups at the house, I am always blown away by the force in numbers. I’m inspired by their challenges, insights, and energies, and I am often amazed at the depth of my own meditation when others are present and we are all supporting one another. The experience is enhanced. So, if you find yourself making excuses not to go to a meditation group or class, ask yourself if you are cheating yourself of a deeper experience. There is a reason that Buddha made the Sangha one of the three refuges.
Meditation is a waste of time.
Perhaps they’ve tried and “failed”, or they’ve never even bothered to try; they’ve simply decided. Really, if someone holds this idea, then they probably just aren’t ready to meditate for whatever reason, be it deep-seated fear, religious judgment, or some self-sabotaging beliefs. But it is based on a misconception. Meditation cannot be a waste of time. It can only be wasted.
The gifts one receives from a regular meditation practice are so glorious and liberating (and yes, challenging and difficult at times), but if you remain blocked by any of the above excuses, they are a treasure you will never discover. But don’t “try” and work through these blocks; none of these block, not even the latter, are substantial. Stop trying so hard. Meditation is an effortless state of simply being.
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I want to return to a subject I broached during my 14-day journey with the Aka Dua. On day 12, I wrote:
Last night, I practiced with the Aka Dua before doing my guru yoga. I worked with some of the exercises in Arlan Cage’s book, Aka Dua: An Ancient Healing Energy for a New Era. I’m familiar with these exercises but in other guises and versions. It seems every teacher I’ve worked with has a slightly different way of approaching the techniques which bring about the same outcomes. Some might consider this a “purity of the teachings” issue. But it is one thing I have always loved most about the Toltec path. Even in Tensegrity, the teaching is to modify the exercise to best suit the individual. Aka Dua is meant to be a unique path; it is meant to evolve. It’s so different from the rigid forms I’ve experienced in other traditions in which the way of doing something is almost fanatically enforced [as if history itself is more important than innovation for our times]. I understand the danger of things getting watered down or appropriated so as to lose their power, but I hold the opinion that what one does with clear intent and dedication is not in threat…
For example, I know, as with yoga, ancient practices can become “bastardized”. The spiritual deepness and what are interpreted as the religious aspects are often reduced or ignored. It’s how yoga, the practice of union, turned into an injury-breeding competitive workout. It’s how drumming and sweat lodges can become nothing more than “trendy” experiences with little understanding of the actual traditions.
At the same time, I know there are many outdated superstitions implanted within various traditions…ones that say for example that a women shouldn’t play a drum or that certain symbols in dreams mean a particular thing no matter the dreamer. One has to count to 10 and spin around counterclockwise for the desired result. It all seems rather silly from a certain perspective, though those entrenched in such beliefs can be quite adamant about them, and possibly unaware of a certain level of enslavement to them. We are all, are we not, the slaves to our unexamined beliefs?
I also understand the dangers in blindly following false Gods. No one wants to think they themselves could fall prey to the cult mentality. The irony, of course, is that one on the inside is unable to perceive the situation with detachment. So, we can be guilty of cult-like or at least, fundamentalist behavior but are only able to see it “out there” in the behavior of others. Likewise, we can dismiss a teacher or teachings because of something we project upon them, some judgment or criticism, which only serves to keep us from the very thing that could help us become liberated.
I know there are those who hold the opinion that Aka Dua and other forms of energy healing are something made-up. But isn’t everything? I mean, at some point in time, someone, somewhere had to discover, name, and make up a story to explain what could not otherwise be understood nor transmitted. Aka Dua is described as originating from an ancient energy. But when it comes to its usefulness, does it really matter if Aka Dua is centuries old or in its relative infancy? Is it not the direct experience with a thing that should define our discernment of it? Is one’s own personal experience with something to be easily discounted by another person’s doubt?
Over the years, I’ve done a lot of work on my belief system. That is part of the Toltec journey (and any journey toward self-realization) and one I fully embraced. I am grateful to have broken through many of the structures I inherited through parentage, school, religion, and socialization. But perhaps the most important thing I have come to recognize in doing so is that it isn’t so much the thing as it is the faith in the thing that makes it powerful…or not.
Energy, energy healing, and/or faith healing are areas which cause a lot of debate in different circles. You can have those deemed”religious nuts” who decide their bodies don’t need the surgery and who end up either miraculously cured or dying as a result. There is also the spectrum of those who are terrified of healing and the means “woo-woo” practitioners might utilize to help them simply because it triggers an unacknowledged or deeply conditioned fear. You also have the intellectual skeptics who won’t even try something because it is so far fetched from the realms of their experience, but ironically there are also the skeptics who are desperate enough to try anything to find the miracle they hoped they’d find. And there are a myriad of other beliefs about what healing is, how it should be used, who is capable of it or not, and what works and what doesn’t. So what is the truth about it all?
I am a lover of truth. It is something I value highly. But there is a certain leeway granted to us all because we live in an illusion. We live in a dream. So there’s truth…something that cannot be altered…and then there is everything else. It is with that “everything else” that we can play. There is always a relativity to our beliefs; that’s the very nature of belief as the truth does not rely upon belief. I am thankful to have cultivated a fluidity with what I choose to believe, picking things up and putting them down again as necessary.
So despite any criticisms and speculations, it matters little to me whether anyone decides that Aka Dua is Atlantean or the machinations of a creative man taking what he had learned and making something new of it. What is important to me is what has come to me as a result of my faith in it…genuine experience of its potential and power and gifts. It aligns with me and my heart and my desire for the world to be free of ignorance, fear and suffering and it provides a new and very supportive structure for the work I find myself doing at this point in my life. But it is not nor has it ever really been separate from me. And of course, Aka Dua isn’t the only path to what “it” is either, nor the only inroad.
There is no question for me that Aka Dua has been a gift. That is my undeniable experience. I can say in what way, but an I say why and how? Not really. But does it matter? When I received my initial transmission, my commitment was to use Aka Dua for the benefit of all sentient beings in service to love, light and Truth. I am equally happy to have Aka Dua use me towards that same ends. That is because a) I know the power of intent and b) I know it all comes from and returns to that very same place from which all of it arises…that unknowable and unnameable source of all. Aka Dua is simply the shape of it with which I am now choosing to play. It is as much an exploration of myself as it is an exploration of anything external to me.
Do you know what it is to sit in the presence of unconditional love?
Last summer, I spent a weekend in satsang with a spiritual master. I don’t know what you might think of that phrase, dear reader. I don’t mean he’s a master of anyone but himself…a master of his own spirit. I don’t want to call him teacher because he really doesn’t have anything to teach, as he himself admits time and again. Teachers deal with knowledge, and I have no interest in acquiring more of that. Guru is often translated as “teacher”, so I prefer not to use that word either, although its true meaning, “disspeller of darkness” is certainly more to the point.
It has not escaped me how awkward I have felt telling people that I was going to sit with a “teacher”. I did this because they have some point of reference for teacher. If I said “spiritual master”, plenty of people would have looked at me funny, and too many people would think I had somehow given away my power to someone else, ready and willing to drink the cool-aid. In Customs at the UK airport, I had been honest about seeing a spiritual teacher. The response I received reminded me of when I was five years old and would speak of my imaginary friend. It felt just like that.
I arrived early on the first day of satsang. I was surprised to be one of only about 10 people already in line. My heart felt open, and I greeted everyone. Realizing I had time, I decided to get some breakfast. By the time I returned, the line had grown to about 25. As I waited in line, I looked around and felt so blessed. Here I was with open-hearted beings who understood. They’d experienced something too, and would not project their fears and judgments upon me…or if they did, they would not necessarily believe themselves. They wouldn’t look at me like I was crazy if I cried, nor assume I was suffering if I was. I felt safe, happy and grateful.
I was burning in the line. I knew exactly what I was going to say to Mooji given the chance. I was, in fact, determined to be the first person to speak to him:
“I was determined to speak with you, Mooji. I want to get as much as I can out of this opportunity. I came here to be seen by someone who could see me. I wanted to stand naked here and let everything show so that I knew from you, at least, I could not hide again. I don’t want to keep reinventing better versions of myself. I want to be done with myself. I want to burn, Mooji. I want there to only be ashes and not some damn phoenix that rises again. Help me burn, Mooji. I don’t trust my mind anymore. Help me relinquish this.”
Of course, none of that happened. And throughout the weekend, I’d have a pressing question or statement, raise my hand, not be called on, and so not even try the next time. Eventually, the questions and statements died away or morphed into something different, and I would again raise my hand. But I wasn’t one of the ones who ever got to speak.
Because I was early, I was in one of the first 6 rows very close to Mooji. I wanted this because, just as in the theatre, being this close allows you to be part of some special energy. Yes, it is everywhere, and yes, the entire audience can see the show, but only those up close can see the detailed expressions and sweat of the actors. It is easier to forget oneself and become part of the play. When Mooji entered the room, I spontaneously gasped. I couldn’t even see him over the heads of everyone in front of me, but I could feel him.
I loved hearing him speak. I loved the sensations that would flood me when his words felt as though they were meant only for me, answering some deep and unrecognized question within myself.
That afternoon, I lost my seat. Before lunch, they made an announcement to take all our belongings during lunch. Despite this announcement, many people left things on their seats thus saving their seats for the afternoon session. I was a little miffed at that and wished I too had ignored the rules! Fortunately, I was able to get a seat just behind the row I had been in because someone got up and left for some reason just before things got rolling again.
But my mood had changed. My mind became polluted. My attitude turned whiny. I kept thinking, “Why am I here?” I felt a little bored by the questions being asked…or sometimes jealous. I struggled to listen. Despite the effort, the truest words still landed softly and deeply.
I had to sneak out before everything finished because I had to meet my AirB&B host across town. I hated leaving and put it off to the last possible moment. I was a mess trying to find my bus…feeling rushed. As I left, the last thing I heard Mooji say was, “The whole world is late.” Somehow, I made it in time to my accommodation, and it was a sweet relief to have a base again after my first night in a hostel and having all my luggage with me all day.
That night, my muscles were a mess. I actually had charlie horses going off all over my body. It was somewhat disconcerting. I’d had plenty of water to drink. Something else was going on. My sleep was disturbed, too, but I somehow managed a little sleep.
The next morning, when I arrived for satang, the line was twice as long as the day before. While waiting in line, I began to journal some of my thoughts. Again, I was determined to speak to Mooji. I wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass again as I had yesterday. I wanted to get everything I could out of this experience. I had paid dearly and I felt like it was a matter of life or death. I wanted so desperately to say:
“I’m out of time! I came here as a matter of life and death and the weekend is half over. I feel two opposing forces in me. I feel I am in a vise. There is no room for truth in the ego and there is no room for ego in Truth. When all feels connected, supported, I forget everything else as having been my experience. When I fall from grace, it is as if grace never existed. The two worlds don’t seem to know each other. I came here to wake up, but I could just have easily gone to the beach or something. I could have given this body some pleasure and comfort, but instead, I came here. I’ve spent so much money to come here, but I feel disappointed. Why did I come here?
I don’t want to follow you, Mooji, like others here. I don’t want to need you forever. I want to accept the gift you are offering and go on with my life, whatever it looks like. I don’t want to need you. I want to walk alongside as an equal. If it is as easy as you say, then why are you the only one sitting up there? If it is truly as quick and easy as you say it can be, then why are so many of us choosing to remain in suffering and limitation? And if it takes a stroke of grace, then why the hell aren’t I at the beach enjoying myself instead of trying so damned hard?”
I was so desperate to speak with him that my mind convinced me that I could cut the line because somehow, my desire to be free was more important than a queue. It completely justified itself. It tempted me, “How much do you really want your freedom? If you are serious, then you need to show it!”
So when the queue started to move, I bee-lined for the door ignoring the 50 or so people ahead of me. I still can’t believe I did that! I wasn’t the only one who had tried this maneuver, though. In fact, it happened on day 1 as well, and I thought, “Those people have some nerve!” The venue was more on top of things on day 2 though and had made it impossible for us to push ahead, so I ended up roughly where I would have been anyway. My full lesson on this whole queue-cutting issue came later.
By the time we got inside, I was sitting once more in about the same spot as the day before, but I felt as though I had stolen it. I wanted the chance to speak and publicly declare my selfishness and arrogance and then offer my seat to another who felt the same burning I had felt, but who was not as fortunate to be so close. But I didn’t get the chance at redemption. I had to sit in my “stolen” seat and burn.
I had so many questions arise and fall that I felt as though I had lived a dozen different incarnations during the weekend. Something…or someone…would arise out of nothing, want to be seen and heard, but just as suddenly would cease to exist.
When we broke for lunch, after being reminded to take our things, I left a few things on my seat, unlike the day before, ignoring the announcement to “take everything with you”. Doing so allowed me the freedom to eat in peace without rushing back for a good seat. Actually, I wondered whether they would move everything this time, but with what played out in my head at lunchtime, it started not to matter to me if I had the same seat or not.
After lunch, I found I had again crashed. But this time, it presented as deep shame over what I’d done. I was seriously ashamed at myself for having cut in front of so many people as if I was the only one with a desire to be free, the only one who mattered. I was disgusted with my mind’s ability to rationalize the action to break the queue.
Sure enough, once they reopened the hall, I found they had moved the belongings of the people who had tried to save seats to a table in the back. Tricky devils. So I now found myself about 20 rows back. A giant wave of emotion overtook me as I waited for the satsang to begin, and I ran to the bathroom to stem the violent tears that came out of nowhere.
Once satsang started, something miraculous happened. Through Mooji’s pointing, I was able to let it all go…all my questions, all my stories, all my sins… My heart opened, and I was filled with the most magnificent gratitude I’d ever felt. All I wanted in that moment was to say “Thank you, Mooji! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”
I never wanted the afternoon to end, but of course, it got late. Many people were leaving, probably to catch planes and such. I was grateful that on this night, I had no where to rush off to. I was determined to stay as long as possible and milk every drop from this final day. That’s when a gift came…
With only a few minutes left to Satsang, someone 2nd row center departed. Though it seemed foolish to move for only five or so minutes, I did. Wow! It was even more powerful. Now I understood why people fought for those seats.
Mooji greeted people afterward but I couldn’t get close enough to meet him myself. I could have hung around and perhaps done so after an hour, but I was tired. And I knew he wouldn’t hang around all night to see each and every person waiting. I found myself walking back to my bus stop. My mind was going back and forth…am I missing my chance to meet him? But I trusted where my body was carrying me and let it go. I was at peace with it. I had received so much already, and I knew this was a gift that would keep on giving.
That night, I had the most beautiful dream full of love.
At the airport on the way home, I had arrived to the gate and boarding had already started. I went right through and onto the airplane. I was shocked to find the airplane mostly empty. Only then did I realize that I had boarded “priority” for no reason at all. I wondered why all those people were looking at me funny, but it simply didn’t sink in. Now I understood my lesson.
The difference is that many of the people that cut the Mooji queue may have done so without realizing what they were doing. I on the other hand did it with complete self-serving intention. I may have convinced myself that it was my desperation and will to awaken, that I was fishing for grace to grant me some boon. At the airport, however, I got to board my plane early as a direct act of grace. It was an accidental action from which I benefited. Cutting the queue was a stinky, egoic act whereas I was carried by a river to board the plane early. It is this river that I want to trust with my life…that I wish I had trusted in satsang.
Two days after the weekend, back at home, I had an ecstatic feeling sweep over me…something I’ve had before but not felt for a very, very long time. It’s sweetness and vibration was indescribable. I knew it would pass, so I gave into it and got as much as I could out of it while it stuck around. Despite the passing of such fleeting sensations, this journey marks a pivot point in my life, a deepening into spiritual maturity and a more peaceful daily life as well as a quickened path to acceptance of what is.
My two biggest lessons of the weekend: I am there before every thought, every sensation, every action and life is kinder and wiser than the mind imagines.
This is an ongoing diary of my 14-day initial practice since receiving the Level I Transmission of the ancient healing energy known as Aka Dua. Actually, I think I might have accidentally written twice on one day without realizing it. No matter…
My dreams have been incredibly spacious the last two nights. The rooms I’ve been in have been very zen, very white, very meticulous. Nothing sterile-feeling, but very fresh.
Last night, I practiced with the Aka Dua before doing my guru yoga. I worked with some of the exercises in Arlan Cage’s book, Aka Dua: An Ancient Healing Energy for a New Era. I’m familiar with these exercises but in other guises and versions. It seems every teacher I’ve worked with has a slightly different way of approaching the techniques which bring about the same outcomes. Some might consider this a “purity of the teachings” issue. But it is one thing I have always loved most about the Toltec path. Even in Tensegrity, the teaching is to modify the exercise to best suit the individual. It is meant to be a unique path; it is meant to evolve. It’s so different from the rigid forms I’ve experienced in other traditions in which the way of doing something is almost fanatically enforced. I understand the danger of things getting watered down or appropriated so as to lose their power, but I hold the opinion that what one does with clear intent and dedication is not in threat. I might have a lot more to say on this topic at some point, but I won’t get into it any further here.
I was thinking about Teotihuacan last night and attempting to find the frequencies represented. Of course, there is the sun and moon, prominently featured. And there’s plenty o’ atmosphere. Ocean and volcanic? Well, obsidian for sure. Wasn’t Mexico City built on water? And the volcano isn’t far away, is it? Anyway, just ruminations.
Here’s another rumination that has begun as a result of working with the Aka Dua. I was viewing some pictures representing each of the seven frequencies and pondering the order in which they are presented. The sun, the light which brings everything into view…the moon, which reflects and allows that manifestation to see itself…the atmosphere or space in which manifestation can grow and evolve…water, life giver…volcanic, heat making matter…obsidian, the density of matter…and all of it dissolving again into the unnamed.
I worked with the energies this morning. Nothing phenomenal to record that I haven’t mentioned already. I’m really looking forward to getting my attunement so I can have some of the subtleties I’ve been experiencing confirmed and feel more confident with each frequency.
My practice today was done in the morning after yoga, accompanied by the Moola mantra. I called upon the energy again later in the day at a group meditation hosted by a friend. It certainly keeps me focused because all my attention is going towards feeling the more subtle sensations of the energy. But I had another difficult night sleeping last night, and I can’t help but wonder about the Aka Dua connection since these recent sleep issues coincided with the transmission. That said, there is so much going on with solar weather and Schumann Resonance and astrology that could also account for sleeping difficulties, so the jury is out. And, maybe it’s just me!
Last night, I had a very strange dream once I did fall asleep. Like a magician who pulls a series of never-ending scarves from his mouth, I dreamed I was pulling out an endless golden substance like honey or treacle. It was somewhat disturbing actually. Because AD is often described as a thick, golden energy, when I woke up, my first thought was that my body had rejected the Aka Dua. I recognized that for what it was…an interpretation arising from fear. And one is always free to interpret things from love or fear, so after some consideration and research into the dream symbology, I decided it was just as likely to be positive…that maybe the energy had helped me to purge something that had become so deeply imbedded in me that I had mistaken it for myself. A quick check in with the teacher affirmed that the message was a positive one and was meant to be instructional.
I almost forgot to mention…0ne night when I couldn’t sleep, I came up with a game inspired by my AD journey that is actually more challenging that it would seem. The idea is to think a thought you would never think (of course, once you think it, it all goes out the window, but…) Sounds simple enough! It seems the tendency is to think thoughts one wishes were true…or that one would likely think if one’s situation changed. But the trick is to think thoughts that you would never think in this lifetime. So, if I thought, “I wish my mother named me Hector,” that would be a fairly decent example of a thought I wouldn’t think. Whereas, “Ug, flying first class with champagne again?” is more a thought I might think if I were lucky enough! It’s an eye-opening game because one begins to realize the power of thought to limit and confine. It opens us to our habits, boundaries, expectations, and all sorts of thing.
I practiced with the energy standing up today. It’s definitely a different experience than sitting as the energy is free to flow through the limbs. I stood as a five-pointed star and practiced with the idea of the AD originating in a particular part of my body in an endless stream, radiating outward. Afterwards, I chanted the 3 Heart Essences and was struck by a line in one of the prayers that reads, “Rang-Rig Ye-shey Khong-ne Char-wei Ngo-Drub Tsol” or “Empower us with the elixer that raises within us the wisdom of awareness.” It made me weep with joy because I felt it illuminated my dream from the night before and pointed to a possible relationship between the Aka Dua (or perhaps its predecessor) and this elixer, all in a text written thousands of years ago.
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I have yet to do much with the Aka Dua today. It has been a busy day! I actually met with a friend and received a lovely Reiki treatment which I felt was long overdue and which helped me release some very stale energy. It was a powerful session that made some things very clear to me about my life. I won’t go into that here, but I will say that it was made clear during the session that what Aka Dua has provided me is a stability with my own energy. It has been not just a transmission of energy received, but an empowerment.
Oh, and I received an email today from Sadhaka, an energy healer with a youtube channel that has a nice library of Aka Dua-related videos. He had made two videos in which the watcher was supposed to receive and guess the AD energy transmitted; you have to email him for the answer. I had sent him an email saying what I believed he was transmitting in the first video, and he affirmed my answer! That felt good. But he went on to say he stopped making videos in that series because the energy hit people in different ways and people had different experiences of it that he didn’t want to discount.
I watched another video of his in which he takes us through the chakras with the various frequencies. I may have mentioned it in an earlier entry. Anyway, I plan on working with it again. I’ll report back tomorrow.
Last night, I worked with the Vitriolum/chakra practice I wrote about. I was curious about the meaning of the word “vitriolum” which comes from Alchemy:
“The acronym V.I.T.R.I.O.L.U.M., used in alchemical literature, is formed by the Latin expression “Visita Interiora Terrae Rectificando Invenies Occultum Lapidem Veram Medicinam”, what means “Visit the interior of the earth, and by rectifying you will find the hidden stone which is the true medicine”.
I love the video, and the practice is powerful, but I’m not sure I’ll do it at night again. It may be coincidence but it sure hasn’t helped me sleep!
Today, I decided to work with the energy earlier in the day, as so far, I have found it incredibly stimulating. I think nighttime practice is best suited to certain frequencies and not others. I’ve been noticing with some consistency now that I tend to get a cold rush when I activate the energy. My eyes also water. I also noticed that some frequencies still run more palpable for me than others…the others still touchable but oh, so subtle. Solar, for example, is still very subtle, which surprises me because a few days ago when receiving solar energy from someone else, it nearly knocked me over. Atmospheric, Lunar, and Oceanic are the three most consistent for me now. Volcanic and Obsidian both create that prickly sensation for me, but I don’t quite “understand” them yet. The Unnameable energy is the most familiar and the most powerful.
The day got away from me, so before bed, I did my usual chanting practice, did some mirror work around some limiting beliefs I realized are no longer serving me, and then activated the AD with the intent of it helping me to release any remaining fragments of those beliefs and help me to anchor in the new replacement beliefs that arose during the mirror work. I felt a very nice, strong pulsing in my fingertips and a short moment later, an unwinding and ever-so-small shift in the area of my assemblage point, a sort of “projection room” to the film of our individual lives, which to me felt like a positive affirmation or confirmation that the energy was performing as requested.
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“He who looks in the mirror of the water, first sees his own image. He who looks at himself, risks to meet himself. The mirror does not flatter, it shows accurately what is reflected in it, namely that face that we never show the world because we hide it by the persona, the mask of the actor. This is the first test of courage on the inner path, a test, which is enough to frighten most people, because the encounter with oneself belongs to those unpleasant things, one avoids as long as one can project the negative onto the environment.”
In my last post about the Aka Dua, I said I would write this time about how Aka Dua is transmitted. The person who brought Aka Dua to the West, a man known as Koyote the Blind, received the energy from his teachers on the Toltec path. Originally, he was the one who was attuning people, disseminating the energy. Now, there are many people all over the world who have received and can transmit the Aka Dua energy, and in fact, many have put their own unique spin on it. As it is meant to be an evolutionary energy, this is expected, whereas there is a different philosophy behind something like Reiki, where lineage and purity of form is typically held to be of more importance. There are currently five levels of transmission, but only the first three are available to the public, so I’ll just write briefly about the first three:
Level One Transmission – one receives the substance of the Aka Dua which may present itself as one or more of the frequencies: solar, lunar, oceanic, volcanic, atmospheric, obsidian, and unnamed. It takes 28 days for this energy to settle, but his must be supported by 14 days of intentional daily practice.
Level Two Attunement – after the 28 days, one can receive this attunement of the Aka Dua energies. Here each of the 7 frequencies becomes fully accessible.
Level Three Mastery – this level of mastery allows one to combine the energies for healing purposes and also to transmit Level One and Two to others.
Yesterday, I got the feeling that I’ve been trying too hard with the energy. So last night, after my mantra practice, I approached more gently. I simply made a ball of energy between my hands and sat with it quietly. I felt lunar and atmospheric. I am confident with those two frequencies. The others I am still not confident with, and I don’t want to force anything…just take it as it comes. When I was done, I placed the energy at my 3rd eye. I went on at night to dream of an anatomy book of sorts complete with pictures and diagrams being downloaded to me page by page at rapid speed.
I agree with what others have said/written about the Aka Dua. It is like an antenna or amplifier in that it seems to have impacted all my other practices. I feel it when I do my morning yoga. I feel it when I chant and meditate. I feel it underneath my intent, reinforcing it.
Wow! One week already!? I received my copy of Aka Dua: An Ancient Healing Energy for a New Era by lead Aka Dua instructor, Arlan Cage. I was floored when I read the exact same two words I used yesterday, “antenna and amplifier”, to describe the energy! Maybe I saw it somewhere else and subconsciously applied it. So, last night, I practiced some techniques from the manual while listening to a brilliant advanced chakra balancing piece of music by Shapeshifter called Odyssey Empowerment. I practiced opening to the energy, holding the energy, moving it around my body, feeling for different frequencies, just being with it, taking it slow. Afterwards I drifted into lovely visions with the music, entering a temple where I was purified and cleansed, honored and welcomed. It was beautiful and magical there. It was home. It made me cry!
I’ve been thinking a lot about how this AD energy might be applied outside of individual or even group healing. I feel like there’s so much more that can be done with it, but I keep feeling that it will take a community. For me, that community isn’t built yet, so I just keep visualizing. For example, I see a group of willing practitioners gathering on Skype from all over the world to build bridges of energy and connect very intentional anchor points across the globe. I also see groups of us gathering at places around the world that need to be cleansed and purified of past traumas (work I’ve done with other groups years before)…a sort of seeping into and breaking apart of ancient densities so the energy that is reinforcing the darkness can be freed up and rechanneled.
I worked with the Aka Dua twice today, once briefly outside hands in the grass and then in the same way as yesterday, with music. When working with the earth, I felt as if my hands were two suction cups. It was very difficult to disengage. But the exchange was incredibly sweet and made me teary. And when I say exchange, it felt that I wasn’t the only one giving energy. I was receiving back. It was a peaceful circle.
I used a technique from Arlan Cage’s book again to get the energy going a little later in the evening. Again, I didn’t try so hard, just let things flow. I intend to flow each of the frequencies, but then it either comes or it doesn’t. I don’t force, just pay attention. I had an interesting unwinding in my right palm right off. I also had what I believe to be oceanic energy…vast and deep. I also…well, I turned my hands a certain way, and all of the sudden, I felt something quite different and unusual…like a weight. Actually, it is quite hard to describe what I felt. Honestly, the closest I can get is to say it felt like pure power. I actually exclaimed “holy shit!” This I offered up to the angels because it didn’t feel prudent to do anything else with it.
What a night last night! I couldn’t sleep. My mind was racing. Around 2am, I’d had enough, so I pulled out my lavender essential oil and starting running some AD energy. Technically, I’m not supposed to be able to create combinations with the energy yet, but I intended to anyway, out of desperation. I asked for Lunar and Oceanic energies and christened that “Lullaby”. It did indeed help to quiet my mind, but something was missing. I added Atmospheric and that helped me relax more deeply. Before I feel asleep I started to wonder about adding a 4th frequency that would take me from “lullabies” to “sweet dreams”.
The amazing thing is that I experienced two very distinct NEW frequencies upon falling asleep. One I think I may now have a false memory for; I can’t be 100% certain this is what it was, but I think it could be likened to Quake. When it came into me (or out of me), it started shaking things. It was a density-buster. Again, there’s a small niggling I don’t remember this correctly. But the next one I do. What came next was electrical or starlight…it was pure white…and it pushed through and poured out from all the space created by the previous energy. It was truly a magnificent thing to witness. They were both completely amazing experiences. Now I wish that I forced myself awake to journal about them both immediately.
I practiced with the energy this morning again in meditation. I was back to experiencing it as simply “Aka Dua” and not anything in particular, just a nice pulse of energy. It did, however, have a lovely affect on the overall energy of the room and my meditation.
So here’s Part II of my Aka Dua practice digest. I didn’t talk much about the history of Aka Dua last time, so I think I’ll open briefly with that.
I mentioned in my last post the Aka Dua was passed down by the Toltec but its origins predate that civilization. It is said that the energy originally referred to as “the power” was brought to them via “Atlantis”. I put this in quotes because it is nothing historically confirmed nor part of my personal experience. I do believe, of course, in ancient civilizations that were able to do things and who had knowledge that we today can’t even imagine. One only has to look at the Great Pyramids, Stonehenge, or ancient glyphs referencing alien life and technology to know our ancestors knew something we no longer do. Suffice it to say, Aka Dua is an ancient energy.
It is also said that the Aka Dua came from another substance known as Sro; it is one of many fragments of this Sro, given to and preserved by the Toltec priests and passed down on the QT until such time as now, when it is most needed for our evolution.
I’ll share more about what Aka Dua initiations entail in my next post.
I worked with the Aka Dua off and on throughout the day in small doses. Then in the evening, I did a concentrated practice and meditation with it during which it came through very strongly and with slightly different qualities which I attribute to the frequencies of lunar and atmospheric. Lunar feels very soft to me, just like the light of the moon. It is slightly hazy. Atmospheric feels very wide and fresh. It imparted a clearing away. I played with some Aka Dua videos on youtube, and when I experienced receiving solar, it came in a rush that was almost like being knocked over but at the same time, being held or supported from falling over. There was a strength to it. So far, I’m really just sensing and guessing. After only three days, I simply can’t be sure I’m accurately reading things. No matter. I will simply continue to explore the energy and intend to integrate it completely. The prickly sensation wasn’t as strong today. However, turning on the energy is definitely palpable to my palms. I am feeling an initial sweep inside my body and a coolness too which seems to shift or fade after a while. I consistently feel better after practice.
Didn’t sleep very well last night. Don’t know if I can attribute it to any one thing. It happens. I meditated after doing some work online, and then eventually ran some Aka Dua (AD) around 3 AM, and it was very palpable from head to toe but soothing. Actually, I felt it’s presence during the meditation too. I eventually drifted off. When I woke up, I understood that AD is like a new operating system. So, even the meditation I did earlier made use of it. I am learning to find my way around this new operating system which has made files run more smoothly and take up fewer resources, enhancing “user experience”. I can still run old programs on the old system; they are obviously compatible. Not that I want to! I sort of have to until I fully integrate things. Eventually, the AD will become the only operating system I use.
Rough night! Last night, I watched an “assemblage point shift with light language” video that was very powerful; it had me spinning. Then I practiced some chanting and worked with one of the Aka Dua chakra videos before bed.
All night long, I dreamed fear-based end-of-world type dreams; then I’d become slightly lucid and hear myself say, “That was all bullshit. That’s not true.” Then the cycle would repeat. All night long. It felt like a purification, which is great, but it wiped me out!!! Fear, fear, fear and all the physiology it provokes and then strength, strength, strength and affirming Truth. I feltl burned and slightly energetically crispy! Chanting when I woke up has helped alleviate that feeling.
That chakra video I mentioned worked through each chakra with the respective frequency. Guess what I came to realize? The prickly energy is Obsidian! I thought it might be volcanic, but it isn’t. So, I’m sensing at least Lunar, Atmospheric and Obsidian. Possibly Oceanic and Solar. I’m unclear with Volcanic and Unknown still. But that’s pretty good in less than a week!
I recently heard that the energies we’ll be dealing with in this coming month (Feb. of ’17) relate to our issues with co-dependent tendencies. It made me curious to know more about how this may play out in my life. I’ve always been the reverse of the co-dependent. I’ve been fiercely independent…up until recently anyway when life decided to give me an opportunity to experience new levels of dependence as an expatriate.
I grew up in a home with two male alcoholics, so I am all too familiar with what co-dependency actually looks like. I’ve since spent my life rigorously defending myself from living out the self-sacrificing womanhood I was demonstrated growing up. But, I have the feeling that my thoughts on this topic are as outdated as the late John Bradshaw (sorry, John).
So, instead of indulge in a bunch of stuff that’s already been written elsewhere about the topic, I thought I would consult something that might give me a more up-to-date perspective…my Devas of Creation deck!
Before I share the results, I think it is necessary to at least define the relevant terms. So bear with me while I share the following three definitions. In everyone’s life, a tension plays out along the dependency continuum in the various realms of daily life…health, finances, work, friendships, etc. Whether it is you or the other displaying an aspect, it is helpful to have some awareness of the dynamics. If you want to know more, you’ll have to do a little research.
Dependency: the heart of any relationship. It is a human necessity to rely on and interact with others.
Co-dependency: reliance on “other” to such an extent that one relinquishes inner authority and self-esteem to maintain the status quo of the relationship. It can also be needing the other to need us, to everyone’s detriment.
Interdependency: the formation of healthy partnerships and connections. It’s mutual benefit without one-sided sacrifice. Each person enters a symbiosis with the other to utilize one another’s strengths and resources but without losing self- sufficiency.
Now that that is out of the way, on to the reading.
I asked the deck for examples of healthy and unhealthy dependency. I shuffled, cut the deck twice, and selected three cards for each question. The results felt profound, at least to me.
What We Can and Should Rely Upon
We are dependent on the blueprint of life and its fundamental elements: space, water, earth, air, and fire. We belong to Spirit. We are, as the cliche goes, a spiritual being having a human experience. We cannot separate ourselves from this, no matter how vehemently we may try…or believe it to be that we are. In realizing this, we free ourselves from so much unnecessary suffering. It’s understanding that we are never not held by Spirit.
Like the various minerals of the earth, we are dependent on certain conditions to be just so in order to allow our growth and development. Spirit is what provides everything we need in it’s time, not ours. And like the countless types of minerals that come from our earth, each of us is as unique, able to flourish when we know who and what we are. We are mistaken when we “try” to be anything other than what we are in the moment. We are dependent on the natural timing of evolution; it’s nothing we can force. And when we impose our structure upon others, we deprive ourselves of the gifts they came to provide us.
We are dependent on the perceptions and experiential phenomena of life that influences our emotions, the physical realms, and the elemental realms. As defined in the terms above, relationship and therefore dependency is necessary, but what Venus can teach us if we listen is that love is not personal. It is an impersonal force that is working upon us and in us constantly. Without it, our lives would be devoid of joy and the lightness of being. Love is what makes it all worthwhile, but our experience of it must come from inside rather than external sources. This is typical human confusion, to depend on love outside of ourselves.
What We Mistakenly Rely Upon
We are codependent with our sense of our physical self and physical reality as the ultimate reality. Yes, we are physical beings. We live in a 3D reality. But we are unhealthily attached to this being the only reality. We dismiss what can’t be seen or proven, often contrary to our own experience of it. This attachment to space and time results in a fear of death and loss. And as the definition of codependency states, we sacrifice a great deal of our power to the “almighty material”. We rely on material goods for our sense of worth, satisfaction, and comfort. We use it all as a measure of success only to discover we can’t take it with us the moment death arrives.
This continues and reasserts the theme of the spacetime card. Like the person who bears unresolved issues of codependency through overcompensation, proving how independent and useful they are, this card shows us how we fight what we know to be necessary to survive and thrive spiritually. As stated in spacetime, we identify with our riches and comforts (or lack of them). We alternate between our desire for the familiar and the novel, creating an inner desert by seeking everywhere but inside…where things are too unknown. Ironically, we each need to spend our time in the desert in order to overcome our ideas that there is anything lacking in life. Our co-dependency on “desert mentality” is the doorway to our interdependence with it.
Again, this card reiterates our codependency on the physical, on matter, on “the old physics”. We need to open our minds and embrace the power of thought to alter reality, of the placebo to heal, of waves to be particles, and of the unknown to hold unlimited potential. We are so codependent on the contracts we’ve signed to our constructs; they have become our prison. But our constructs have no more substance than dreams. Yet the way it’s been done is the way it has continued. Why are we creating the same things over and over again? Where is our creativity? The answer rests once more with Spirit, in the space between, the source of our inspiration, if we are brave enough to express that which it creates in us.
This is an oil painting on MDF (medium-density fibreboard) rather than canvas. With several coats of gesso (a gluey-white paint mixture), it provides a very fine, smooth surface over which paint glides quite easily, which in this case made it easier for me to achieve the ribbon-like and underwater effects. It measures 102 x 35 cm.
Though I didn’t set out to do it, now that this is finished, it reminds me of the Nazar or “evil eye” amulet one often finds in Turkey or Greece. These amulets are believed to reflect the ill-intentions of others, protecting the person or household from which the eye looks out, seeing all. Though they can be found in different colors, I’ve always loved that deep cobalt shade of blue one traditionally expects.
One can scarcely tell for certain whether this charm is being pushed up from the bottom of the ocean floor by some force or wave, or whether it is floating to the bottom where it will lay buried in sand for all eternity. Either way, I hope that it may serve the same purpose as the Nazar, warding off evil and acting as a lucky charm wherever it hangs.
My latest abstract is titled K’uychi which is Quechuan for rainbow. Quechuan was the language of the Incan civilization (and before that, of the Chincha peoples of the area of Lima) and it is still spoken today in areas of Peru, Ecuador, and Bolivia. I was fortunate to spend time in Peru several years ago, a land of so much color, so rich in Spirit, that it still inspires me.
The double rainbow is an auspicious symbol in many cultures. Here, I’ve created the effect of a double rainbow using a palette knife technique over a gentle wash of background colors.
There are Hopi and Navajo prophecies concerning the rainbow, as well as legends in Buddhist and Hindu mythologies. There is a promise held in these stories, links to the divine. Some of them tell of a family of beings who will live in peace with one another and in balance with all things. I hope this painting helps to channel the energy of that vision until it becomes reality.
I was surprised recently to discover my favorite symbolist was on exhibit at the Bordeaux Galerie des Beaux Arts. They had some of Redon Odilon’s landscapes, which were lovely and unique enough, but some of his more “spiritual” works as well that I could have stared at for hours.
He seemed to always have a unique eye for color and light. I do wonder what it was that happened to him at some point in his painting career though; it’s clear he had some kind of awakening, to have been able to diverge so completely from the mundane.
He is quoted as having said, “My drawings inspire, and are not to be defined. They place us, as does music, in the ambiguous realm of the undetermined.”
Late last year, in meditation, an unfamiliar word came to me. It sounded something like wakatewa. I had no idea what the word meant, at the time.
Intrigued, a quick Google search later revealed that the word is Maori and means ” war canoe“, spelled waka taua but spoken exactly as I’d heard it. It is an important word for the Maori who consider the waka taua to be sacred.
Once I knew what it meant, I fell in love with the symbol and started looking for signs of it in my daily life. It still came as a surprise, though, when one appeared in my latest painting which came about after coming across a quote from the late Carrie Fisher:
“Take your broken heart and turn it into art.”
I took it as a challenge and decided to reach into the depth of my own history and feelings around a broken heart and turn it into something beautiful.
This expressionist piece is what resulted. I did not set out to paint a canoe or a solitary figure even. I choose my palette based on feeling and added paint to the canvas with nothing but emotion guiding me. I was so excited when I saw what was developing.
So, here it is. A broken heart made into art. I call it…surprise…Canoe.
I investigated the dream symbol meaning of “canoe” recently and discovered the following quote:
“Canoes require a lot of strength to maneuver, so in dreams they often show us something about our ability to handle our emotions. Because canoes are man-made, dreams that involve a canoe also show our ability to handle emotions which are inflicted by other people.”
Today, I received my Level 1 Transmission of the Aka Dua energy of the Toltec. I’m so excited to be adding this energy to my healing repertoire!! It’s an amazing energy. It’s a completely natural fit for me having been deeply enmeshed with the Toltec since 2000, having met the more traditional requirements to receive the energy, ‘tho such requirements are no longer required by those wanting to be attuned.
Aka Dua is not well know…yet. I can’t remember how I came across it. Perhaps it came to me. When I experienced it for the first time online, from an angel on youtube in fact, I knew it was for me…or would be someday. Although in truth, I think I’ve already been supernaturally exposed to it on one particular journey I took several years ago to Teotihuacan in Mexico. There I received a download of sorts I’ve never been able to explain. Somehow, I feel the energies are related.
As a new initiate, I have a 14 day practice with the energy. I thought I would blog about my experiences since I want to journal about it anyway. So that’s what I’ll be doing…sharing my experiences and some background for you over the next 14 days. Maybe I won’t post every day, but I will make notes everyday and post them in a digest.
I’m not new to energy work. I’ve had two levels of Reiki and three levels of Reiki Tummo. For the last few years, I haven’t been able to feel much of the Reiki energy myself. I thought perhaps I needed a tune-up, which I received, but it seems I have just acclimated to it. I don’t mean to insult any Reiki practitioners out there! I’m not saying Reiki isn’t powerful or that some people perhaps aren’t able to take it further than I have, nor saying that I haven’t been accessing it on a regular basis with clients. I’ve certainly been using the symbols and tapping into it. But I’ve grown so used to it that has stopped giving me much feedback. Already, the Aka Dua is giving me a whole new experience and feedback for which I’m very grateful.
During the transmission, at first, I just felt warmth and tingling. We had a few technological challenges using Facebook chat to bridge California, where lineage holder Arlan Cage is, and France, where I am, but that didn’t affect the energy. It came through as a familiar warmth and tingling. Now it has become a prickly sensation, but it is perfectly comfortable. I shared the energy with a friend who was able to feel it pulsing between our hands. He noted the prickling and felt the energy moving into his right leg. After sharing it with him, it seemed to strengthen in me and the prickly sensation hasn’t diminished.
Last night was interesting. I kept getting postcards in my dreams from the Aka Dua to help me integrate and understand the energies. There are 7 sub-frequencies to the Aka Dua: solar and solar jaguar, lunar, oceanic, volcanic, atmospheric, obsidian and unknown. The postcards I received were of oceanic and atmospheric images (and I think of lunar and volcanic also, but that is foggy) each encoded with information for my psyche.
This morning, my practice was done in the sunshine. As I focused my intention to cultivate the energy, I was washed over with a wave. Then the prickling grew. I also had a strange and very pinpointed sensation in my left pointer finger. It felt as if a spiral was winding or unwinding. I’m not sure which.
In meditation afterward, I was guided in how to approach a client with the energy. As I “rehearsed” what I learned in my mind’s eye, the energy once again grew for me, so I invited the angels in and asked them to receive it and send it wherever it was most needed.
If you’d like to know more about Aka Dua, join the new Aka Dua Network on Facebook!
Teacher Sadhguru shares the importance of sound, language, and speaking with intent:
“Whatever sound you need to utter, utter it in such a way that it is beneficial for you. And whatever is beneficial for you will naturally be beneficial for everyone around you. If a sound is doing wonderful things to you, it will definitely do the same things to everyone around you.”
“The Sanskrit language was consciously created so that just uttering the language will purify the system. But now, most of the time we speak languages which are no longer made like that, so it is best to handle it with intention…”
Last night, I decided to ask my Devas of Creation deck for some insight that might be helpful around the recent inauguration of Donald Trump. I asked three questions, shuffled the deck, and drew three cards. Here’s what resulted:
Why is this playing out?
Card drawn: First Light
The First Light card is emergence and the dawning of new worlds. It is a revolution in thought because it helps open our eyes to what is possible; it is the flowering of awareness. Without the opening of first light, there would be no doorway into change, no new vistas to which we can aspire. Trump is certainly a call to what is possible because he has greatly disturbed well-entrenched energies in our government. He has drained the swamp, and now everything in the swamp is swimming around in plain sight. The veils have been lifted. So much is unsettled and many are in fear. But instead of fear, we can choose to see great opportunity. Sometimes it is only with a rude awakening and a crack on the stubborn head that one rises to new challenges.
What will the outcome be in four years time?
Card drawn: Eros
Eros is the Divine Masculine. Do you find it ironic that this card would appear in a reading about Trump? Realize that Trump is showing us contrast here. He is showing us exactly what needs to be healed in the masculine. This card is a reminder to reconnect inside with our inner divine masculine and source of strength. We are light bearers in whatever occupies our time. If we can harness a higher will within ourselves, overcoming our smallness and the fears that hold us back, we can not only manifest and become with more ease, but we will touch more lives as well. What is most important here is to be a representative of Ultimate Truth, to transcend the level of opinion, half-truths, propaganda, etc. If we can abide by the message of Eros, a world-changing healing of the masculine can take place during this presidency. Men and women can take their places as protectors and providers–of each other, our earth, and for our children.
What are the lessons we need to learn in that time?
Card drawn: Seed Void
The Seed Void is an “artery into a different reality”. It is deep space and mystery, what the Toltec would call “nagual”. Think of it as a well or birth canal connecting one dimension to another. It is the unseen aspects and new forces of nature that come into play. Fasten your seat belts, because this energy helps us to question our fear as well as our certainties about right and wrong, about “the other” and about ourselves. With courage, we can dismantle our false sense of self, an evolutionary necessity, and be born into a new level of trust. Indeed, this is a time to turn inward, to take back our projections, and to deal with our own shadow aspects. Those unwilling or unprepared to do the work will have an extremely hard time of it, and their resistance will cause trouble not only for themselves but for others. But if we open up and do the work, we may just find ourselves transported into a world that bears little to no resemblance to the one these others claim to live in. The opportunity to be free of the collective dream is there for those who dare to dream something new.